I can never fully trust someone who doesn’t like a good burger. Heck, I can never fully trust someone who won’t eat a bad burger. Much like the theory that bad pizza is at least still pizza, any burger is better than no burger. While I was visiting Boston, my cousin and I decided to take in a Yankees vs. Red Sox game at Fenway because, well, life doesn’t really get any better than that. One of my cousin’s best qualities is that he lets me pick wherever I want to eat whenever I see him. While burgers are getting a bit too much of a ridiculous gourmet treatment these days, I will never pay 100$ for a burger, I do love hunting for a top notch burger in any town I visit. Whenever I read about top burger spots in America (every day) Boston Burger Company is often mentioned and as luck would have it this place is in Boston. What are the odds, right?
As I do a bit more research on this place I find out that Rachel Ray has featured a burger on her show aptly named; The Rachel Ray Show. Guy Fieri has also shoved burgers into his face here on Diners, Drive-ins and Dives. I have to take a second to admit that I’ve got a love/hate relationship with Guy. While I love watching his show to discover cool comfort food places to hit up on road trips, his “BAM! OUT OF BOUNDS!” fist pumping persona can make my left eye twitch from time to time. And if you would ask him about me he would say “I have no idea who you are talking about” while fist pumping. True story. Anyway, all that to say if he says a burger is face-shovable who am I to argue? There are 3 of these spots around Boston and thankfully there is one within a 10 minute walk of Fenway.
The first thing I see when we walk in is a giant picture of Guy Fieri staring down at me. No matter which way I move his eyes are locked onto me Scooby Doo villain style. It’s like he knows I just said that he can annoy me and he is waiting, scheming to plan his revenge on me. Aside from the awkward staredown I like the look and feel of the place: a simple pub-like burger bar place to casually burger it up. And burger we will. As you loyal Phatsoes know about me, if I am given too much choice in a restaurant I can agonize for excruciatingly long periods of time before I finally order. Boston Burger Company has graciously narrowed my choices down to 28 different burgers. Oh boy, this is gonna take a while. I can also build a burger of my own with any number of toppings. I’ve already fallen for that once at Build-a-Bear with my kids where a whole paycheque later I walked out with some whacked out stuffed animal out of my worst nightmares so I ain’t getting tempted by that option.
My cousin quickly puts me to the test by almost instantly deciding on the Hot Mess. Rachel Ray’s burger of choice. This bad boy is covered in sweet potato fries, American cheese (take that foreign cheese!), chopped pickles, jalapeno peppers, bacon, red onion, shredded lettuce and thousand island dressing. Total madness. If my cousin isn’t deeply in love with Rachel already (he is) he will be after slamming that burger down. Alright now I am on the clock. I come close to getting the Mac Attack. A burger with homemade mac-n-cheese and bacon. Can’t really ask for sexier than that, right? But that’s the burger Guy had and as I am mouthing the words to the waitress I can see him staring at me from the entrance as if to say “Go ahead, get it. I dare you.” I never take dares from people with bleached hair so out my mouth came “I’ll take the Vermonster please”. Ok, I admit it. I seem to have an unhealthy obsession with all things Vermont these days but just listen to what is on this, and by listen I mean read: maple mayo, sharp cheddar cheese (a million times better than the dull variety), carmelized granny smith apples, red onions, maple syrup, and bacon. Try arguing with that. You can’t. Mostly cause arguing with burgers means you got problems.
So we sip on some suds until the burgers show up. They come with homemade kettle chips and housemade coleslaw. What’s the difference between homemade and housemade? Well, I could go into the whole discussion on the difference between a house and a home but this is not the place. It’s too divisive a topic. What the hell was I talking about before you asked me that? Oh ya, holy sweet merciful massive burger how am I going to fit this into my mouth?! You know how a snake dislocates his, or her! jaw to swallow large prey? Well, look away cause this isn’t gonna be pretty. I see my cousin struggling too so I did what any good cousin would do. As he was opening his mouth for a bite WHAM! I cold-cocked him right in the mush to help him dislocate his jaw in the name of burgering. As he did some burger cramming he mumbled a “fmmmk you” to me which I would like to think was a thank you and not something much meaner.
The meat is super succulent and juicy and oozy and just perfect. The bun to meat ratio is good too but could maybe do with a bit more toasting since it gets a bit sogged down from the juicy meat action (ya that’s right I said it) and the sauce. In the grand scheme that’s a minor complaint on par with “Oh this stunning white sand on this breathtaking beach burns my feet a bit”. The burger is that good. The salt of the bacon works to keep some of the sweetness of the apples and maple in check but if I had one issue it’s that there is a bit too much sweetness here. Maybe don’t double dip with the maple syrup and maple mayo. I ask my cousin if he loves his burger and get an enthusiastic ” Mmmf fmmk ymm”. Agreed.
I’d like to make the Fenway game with my cuz a yearly tradition and if he agrees to be my cousin forever I think we might have to make this joint our traditional pre-game food spot. Together with a pint each the total bill was 36$. That is reasonable like a fox! I shove my last bite into my face just as Guy locks eyes with me again and winks. Plop! There goes some maple mayo and meat juice right down the shirt. I was so close to walking out with a rare clean shirt after eating and I would have gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that meddling Guy.