Building the Perfect Burger Part II: More Perfecter

It was with the recipe for the perfect burger that Phatman Pheasts was born one year ago. To be precise it was actually on my birthday. I would love for a fancy mathemagician to do the math and figure out what the oddsPatties were for them to fall on the same day. Like I mentioned all those years ago when I wrote that piece there really is no 1 perfect burger recipe. I mean, I tend to stick with the same ingredients when mixing my meat, ya that’s right ladies I mix my own meat and I’m not shy to say it, but what you do to the burger after is all up to you. Well, not entirely up to you. There are laws here that limit what you can do to an animal be it dead or alive so keep it clean you sickos! With the plethora of birthdays in my family around this time of year I find myself hosting a large group at least once each summer. Some of the folks in my family are picky about what they stuff into their face so I usually shy away from using some sexier meats like bison, deer, and rabbit when making burgers. Although you may recall that at New Year’s I did manage to trick my old man into eating bison sliders.

Anyhow, one of the great things about busting out burgers for a large group is that you can get to work on everything before anyone shows up, hopefully with beer. I’ve talked about it before that when it comes to hosting the absolute best  thing that you can do for yourself is prep everything you possibly can before anyone shows up. This is never more true than in the summer. Imagine: the weather is fine, beer goes down smooth, you swim in the pool, you kick your grandmother’s ass in bean bag toss and trash talk her a bit and then OH CRAP! I still haven’t gotten any food ready! Chances are by then you’ve had a few pops and are feeling fine. You don’t want to be scrambling like a tipsy maniac now to feed people. That likely won’t end well. Who wants to feed people crappy food or worse, get someone sick? Ok, good point, but aside from the crap fastfood places? Nobody! So let’s get to it!

Before Anyone show up:

Phat Beef Patties
(makes 8 burgers)

2 Lbs medium lean beef
1 French shallot-minced
1 Tbsp Worchesterfordstonmouthshire sauce
1 Tbsp Dijon mustard
1 Small bunch of chives finely chopped
17 Dashes of tabasco sauce(this is approximate-also you can use whatever hot sauce you like really)
Salt and pepper to taste
About 1 Tbsp olive oil

So once you’ve minced and sliced and diced whatever you need to, go ahead and combine all ingredients (except the olive oil) in a mixing bowl. Do not use a non-mixing bowl, the results would be abysmal. Now with your hopefully clean hands you get in there and start playing with your meat. Wait, What?! You play with that meat good until everything is mixed in evenly, or until you need a cigarette; whatever comes first. If you’ve got one of those fancy bourgoisie little food scales great, bust it out now and measure the meat into eight 4 ounce balls. If you are a normal person like me and you don’t have one of those then make eight balls of meat all about the mushroomssame size. Roll each one in your hands a little and then squish ’em real nice into patties. Now, with your left thumb make a nice, thumb sized indentation in the middle of each patty. Don’t use your right thumb, that’s what pinko commies would want you to do. This thumb print, as I mentioned last time, will prevent the burger from becoming a big puffy ball of meat when it cooks and help it maintain its burger pattiness if you will. So, cover the plate up with some tin foil and pop them in the fridge until peeps show up. It’s best to let the meat warm up closer to room temperature before grilling so try to remember to take these bad boys out of the fridge about 30 minutes before you grill them.

Next step in the prep work is to slice up some of whatever kind of toppings you plan on dressing the burgers with. Always keep some of the staples around: red onions,Grilling tomatoes, pickles and lettuce. I’ve got everyone in my family hooked on putting avocado on burgers so I’ve  got a few of those handy but those babies turn brown really fast once they’re cut so save them on the side until everyone is about to eat. By now you might be wondering why I’m essentially writing the same burger post over again, or rewriting as some might say. Well, as I was getting everything ready for the dinner I suddenly had a super specific idea of what exactly I wanted on my burger: goat cheese, bacon (ya baby!) and some of my sexy sautéd mushrooms that I often throw on top of steaks. Look at me posting links to my own site. Between that and mixing my own meat I am just all over myself today. You seriously don’t want to just click that link to see how to make these mushrooms? Fine:

Magic Mushrooms

1 8 ounce pack of sliced mushrooms (I usually go with either mini bella or button)
1 Minced shallot or red onion
1 Clove of garlic (minced)
1/2 Cup minced parsley
2 Tablespoons soy sauce
1 Tablespoon balsamic vinegar
2 Tablespoons olive oil
1 Schloop of butter
Salt and pepper to taste

I’ll recap this real fast cause it’s like the 3rd time I talk about these mushrooms. Heat up the oil and butter in a pan on medium high heat. Toss in the onion for about 2 minutes. Then throw in the garlic. 30 seconds later add the mushrooms and toss them so everything mixes well. Once the mushrooms soften add the soy sauce, vinegar and season. Then add the parsley, cook for another 30 seconds and remove from the heat. The beauty of this too is that it can be done before and you can just reheat these as you grill the burgers. Same deal with the bacon. Cook it up nice and crispy. Eat 7 slices for quality control purposes and then reheat them on low heat in a pan as you grill the burgers.

I scored some killer sweet brioche style buns at the grocery store. I know you are looking at the picture below and thinking “Damn Phatman you got some sweet buns.” Seriously? That’s the best you got? Besides, I am serving this to my family so your joke implies that my family, like even my sisters and my mom, are going to have their hands all over my sweet sweet buns. You got problems. I, on the other hand, had a relaxing day out on the deck sipping suds in the sun. Then my lady friend nudged me forcefully and said hey Phatty, it’s grill time. Yes dear.

Stay phat.


Categories: Recipes

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