Phatman Undercover: Dining Behind Enemy Lines

My mission, should I accept it: visit Boston under the guise of a family vacation and perform the dreaded 7 Level Ukie Hex on their beloved Bruins hockey team. Being a die-hard Habs fan I accepted without hesitation.Phase III of the Hex Who sent me? I am not at liberty to reveal that information. My secret overlords found me a family who lived in Montreal for some time and were sympathetic to my cause and agreed to house me and pose as relatives out showing me a good time. Now all I needed was a plan. It isn’t just anyone who can perform a 7 Level Ukie Hex. It takes razor sharp focus and concentration lest the hexer become the hexee. What I had to do is find 7 landmarks, or local treasure if you will, and think of nothing but the Bruins never winning another championship at each of them. As much as I may despise the Bruins I do very much enjoy the city of Boston itself so posing as a tourist having fun would be easy. The city is quaint but stunning in it’s simple beauty and boasts some of the nicest architecture in North America so finding 7 landmarks should be a piece of cake. Damn it, now I want cake. Focus Phatman, focus!

A visit to Boston without seeing a game at Fenway park is like going to Paris and not going to see the Eiffel Tower. Tickets for my “family” and I were acquired by my gracious hosts so off we went to start the task at hand. I got myself a Red Sox hat so no one would ever know I wasn’t from Montreal. I am like one of those genius people, so wisdomy I am. My main fear throughout this mission is losing focus. For me that means getting lost in the great food scene and forgetting what I am there for. Some people are headstrong, others are heartstrong. Me? Stomachstrong. I am not even in the stadium yet and there are vendors along the street grilling some fantastic smelling sausages with sautéd onions and peppers. Sold! I down that baby on the way in and regret not getting a second one. That was some good shit. The other problem with keeping my focus is that I love baseball. I’d never been to Fenway before and as I walked out to our seats and my eyes set on the ominous Green Monster I realize this is a bucket list moment. For a few seconds I let myself get caught in the moment and I get all zen and stuff about childhood baseball memories. I snap out of it and give the wall another stare, this one with a little anger, focus now, and BAM! Level 1 complete.

This may or may not be me and my "kids"

This may or may not be me and my “kids”

I was only going to be around for a week so I needed to find a way to expediate the hexing. Driving around would seem like a great solution but Holy Traffic Nightmare Boston! When you are from Montreal and traffic in another city floors you then wow, you got traffic problems. So, driving is out of the question. Then I remembered hearing about these famous duck boat tours that do part of the tour as a bus and then a fair chunk of it from the Charles River. This would be perfect. No one must know of this mission until it is done so while it is ok for people to see me as a tourist I have to make sure no one knows I am from Montreal. Two minutes into our ride and my “girlfriend” speaks to our “children” in French. This can’t be good. The bus is a little loud and the tour guide is talking about Harvard coming up so I don’t think anyone heard…but this can’t happen again. I may have to get rid of her before this ride is over. Wait, did I just hear Harvard? Excellent. Time to focus once again. There it is across the river and…WHAM! Level 2 complete.

Alright, they’re going to be coming in quick succession now so I need to be on my toes. Here, on my right, the very place where they play; TD Garden. I can feel the static tension betwixt myself and this building. The mutual hatred is palpable. Easy to keep my eye on the ball here. Gotta be fast cause I know what statue we are about to pass…SLAM! Level 3 complete. And suddenly, just like that I am facing the statue of the man that is singlehandedly responsible for stopping the Habs from winning pretty much all of the cups in the 70s: Bobby Orr. The hair on my entire body stands on end. I must begrudgingly admit that he is one of the top 3 to ever play the game, possibly the best ever. Oh well…CRAM! hexed him anyway. Level 4 complete. My strength is ebbing now but no time to rest cause here comes Boston Common. It’s a beautiful public space said to be the oldest public park in America. This is where Martin Luther King had a dream. ZAM! Hexed. Level 5 complete. I will need food soon. I am starting to have visions and all. One more….that is all I can muster for now and then I must rest. Here, we come upon MIT. The school that pops out some of the most brilliant minds in the world. Surprising that even they don’t see this coming. FLAM! Level 6 complete.

My “family” helps me as I stagger off the bus. I’ve wanted to see Quincy Market for many years now and I know they have en epic food court there so this should kill 2 birds with 1 stone. Eat then hex. As with visiting Fenway, a trip to Boston means a bowl of chowda is mandatory so I get me some of that and a stacked lobster roll. There’s a freshness to the lobster that just can’t be beat. I still find it weird to eat lobster cold but as a salad in a sexy bun? Oh ya baby! The chowda was awesome as expected. Is there anything more betterer than fresh clams in a soup? Only one thing: hexing the Bruins. GLAM! Level 7 complete. Wow. I’ve done it. I did this not for me, but for all of us Habs fans that are craving a championship so bad that we are getting withdrawal symptoms. I do this for my team and the city I call home. I do this for every time I’ve been heckled by Bruins fans in my own damn arena! You’re welcome. Now I rest and tomorrow I celebrate with a fancy dinner before the return home.

My “relatives” have been talking up the Italian North End of Boston and the many great, authentic Italian places to eat so we get booked at Fiore at their recommendation. Now that my work is done I can really just soak inLobster Ravioli the scenery and enjoy the night out. The entire city is really something to see but there’s something very warm and comforting about this section of the town. We’ve got a friendly waitress with a heavy Boston accent who still perfectly pronounces the Italian specialties. We’re out with our hosts and they’ve been here many times so we let them guide us as to what to order. To start we share 2 main dishes of Fiore’s signature pasta; Bombolotti. At a glance this pasta looks like rigatoni but is a little longer but a peek inside reveals a honeycomb pattern. Great idea as this seems to allow for maximum sauce retention baby! One of the dishes is in a tomato sauce and teeming with shrimp and lobster. This stuff is right up there with some of the best pasta I’ve ever had. As much as I love seafood and lobster caught that same day the second bombolotti dish completely blows me away. This one’s in a creamy tomato sauce with huge chunks of spicy Italian sausage, reggiano and goat cheese. I would have been perfectly happy to have this dish as my main all to myself but sharing this made it possible to keep ordering. It was a win-win situation no doubt. If there is anything I love more than eating animals it’s eating baby animals so it was second nature for me to get a veal dish. I went with Saltimbocca di Vitello which translates loosely to “some kind of awesome veal dish”. Out came 3 thin veal scallops topped with parma proscuitto, fresh mozzarella and a mountain of mushrooms served with a side of rapini. It was one hell of  a task to finish this but who knows when I will be back in Boston and back here specifically? Besides, I wanted to write about it so I finished it for you, my Phatsoes. You would be hard pressed to find a more giving person than me. My “lady” got some killer lobster and shrimp ravioli as her main and she almost let me taste it. Anyway, I know it looked good.

As we’re getting ready to leave we ask our waitress to take a few pictures of us. I won’t show them here so as to protect the safety of those that hosted me on this mission but let’s just say that she asked where we were from and when I said Montreal a look of understanding, fear, and sadness crossed her face. I feel like she knew in that instant what I was truly there for. Too late. The work was done. There is almost no one on the planet that can undo a 7 Level Ukie Hex. The Bruins may just soon be in ruins.

Stay phat.

Sexy Veal


Categories: Phood Philosophies, Reviews

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