Fast, Cheap, Easy. Yep, Still Talking About Food

When I heard the news that Gwyneth and Coldplay were going through a “conscious uncoupling” I was as floored as you all were. It didn’t feel right to post another article this week. It felt more likeprep we should all stop what we’re doing and silently hold hands in unison whilst Celine Dion sings Unison. But this news isn’t just about Gwyneth and Coldplay. It’s about love, lost love and loving lostness. More so it’s about loving lostness and the lostness of love and losing the love lost that is lovingly losing. So when you think of it that way how could I not write another food article?

You all have seemed to enjoy the articles on quick, simple recipes so I figured I should oblige since you guys endure my many food ramblings. Making good schnitzel, or breaded cutlets as many refer to them, is as basic and simple as you can ask for on a busy week night. That doesn’t mean you can’t easily screw this up though. Any recipe that’s ready in a flash can get messed up with minimal effort so stay alert for this one!

Sexy Schnitzel
Serves 4

8 Pork cutlets (the thin flat cut)
1 Cup flour
1 Cup bread crumbs
2 Eggs
Pinch of dried oregano
Salt and pepper
2 to 3 Tablespoons of olive oil
Lemon wedges

First thing to keep in mind is to get all of your stuff organized since this is a super quick dish to whip up. So lay out your flour and bread crumbs onto 2 plates. Season both the flour and bread crumbs with salt, pepper and oregano. Crack open your eggs and whisk them sadly in a bowl. Now lay out your station with the flour, eggs and bread crumbs all in a tight row so you can move your meat from dish to dish quickly and cleanly. I am too sad today about lost love to make jokes about moving your meat. Have an extra plate handy to place the cutlets on before frying them. Keep some extra flour and bread crumbs close by in case you run out.

breadedWhat you want to do now is get the cutlets coated evenly with flour first. I’ve seen some people go straight to the egg first and that just makes a goopy mess. So from the flour go to the beaten eggs and then to the bread crumbs. Don’t start frying anything until you’ve got all the cutlets prepped. You’re just asking for trouble if you’re going back and forth from frying to rolling meat in flour and whatnot. Besides, your hands will be covered in slop while you’re getting everything ready so no point rushing to fry stuff. When done right the flour, egg, bread combo will create a nice thin crisp little batter around the meat.

Get a frying pan going on medium high heat with the olive oil. It’s key to be patient here and wait to make sure the pan is hot before throwing the meat in. You want it to sizzle when it hits the pan otherwise you’re left with soggy, droopy meat that sucks up all the oil. Let’s be honest now, who wants to be served droopy meat? Am I right? Ok pan is hot so toss that stuff in there. Biggest mistake people make on this dish? Overcooking the crap out of the cutlets. It’s super thin so all you want to do is cook it through and get a golden crunch on the outside. Shouldn’t take more than 2 minutes per side, even then take a peek underneath after a minute to make sure they’re not going too dark. Bam! That’s it. Done.

This stuff goes great with some freshly squoze lemon juice on top, a blob of garlic mashed potatoes and a nice green vegetable. Not only does this plate take no time and little work but it’s also pretty damn cheap. Total cost of this with the sides was under 15$. Can’t complain too much about that. If you make it with chicken the meat will be about double the price. Oh but Phatman don’t lots of peeps do this with veal?  Sure they do but that cut of meat will cost you about triple what the pork does. So if you’re sitting around your mansion drinking champagne and wondering what to eat for dinner, have one of your servants go get you some veal cutlets. Just make sure they don’t make any eye contact with you. Oh and invite me over. I like veal and rich friends.

Stay Phat.


Categories: Recipes

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