Guac Dirty to Me

We are getting closer and closer to the Superbowl. No, I don’t mean a toilet with WiFi, an LCD TV, 5.1 surround sound, and a bluray player built in. But I hope that is getting closer and closer too. I’m talking of course about the big football game. Let me hit you up with some astonishing numbers. Superbowl Sunday is watched by approximately 17.2 billion people. Obviously, this means that it isn’t just die hard football fans watching. You’ll have plenty of casual fans and even non-fans watching.

Many people elect to order food in on that day. It is said that 84 trillion slices of pizza are eaten and 117% of the world’s chicken wings are consumed that night. That right there is a crap ton of food. I try to order in as little as possible but you have to put on some kind of spread if people are coming to watch the game. People seem to often enjoy dipping food into even more food and one of my favorite things to stick stuff into is guacamole.

If you’ve never made this before you will be awed and amazed at how simple it is. So what else is there to say besides prepare to be awed and amazed?

Hunky Chunky Funky Guacamole

2 Ripe avocados
1/2 Small red onion-diced super fine
1/2 Tomato-diced fine
1 Clove of garlic-minced
1 Lime
Small handful of cilantro finely chopped
1/2 Jalapeno-super finely diced
1 Teaspoon extra virgin olive oil
Salt & pepper to taste

I’ll tell you now before I get down to the nitty gritty that I did not put the jalapeno in there for the standard reason I always use; my kids are wimps. Instead I added a few dashes of Tabasco sauce, which is much less burny, as my damn hell ass kids would say.

This really shouldn’t take more than 10 or 15 minutes to whip up and it’s a great little snack to make ahead of time and pop in the fridge until the freeloading beer swilling maniacs you call friends show up. “But Phatman whenever I make guacamole it turns brown within 30 minutes.” Umm, that’s not even a question. But ok, I got you covered there. Keep the pit from the avocado and once your guac is all done place the pit in the bottom of a bowl and add the guacamole on top and wrap it up tight with plastic wrap. This’ll keep it greener. Try to remember to remove the pit once you serve it though. Last thing you want is a dude who is riding the wave of joy that only 17 beers can bring choking and collapsing. That would be the pits. Oh you had to see that one coming. Anyhow, getting a dead friend to leave your house sucks the bag so remove the pit alright?

almost readyTime to get started. Now, seeing as we just talked about how avocados can turn brown quickly you do not want to cut them open first. Save that for last. You don’t want people dipping into something that looks like fancy baby poo. Or maybe you do. I have no idea what the hell goes on in your head. So, what I do is slice and dice the onions, tomato, garlic and whatnot first.

Next you cut open the avocados and smush em up real good in a bowl. Just picture them being your hopes and dreams and all the lies that your high school teachers told you about how you can be whatever you want to be when you grow up. Picturing it? Good, grab a fork and crush them! Now add all of the chopped ingredients, season with salt and pepper and squeeze in the lime juice and toss in the olive oil. Avocado is pretty oily on its own so it isn’t necessary to add the olive oil if you don’t want to. I simply find that it makes it a little silkier and if you’ve got good oil(unfiltered is awesome) it makes the dish a little sexier. Kind of like how I look after you have 3 cocktails and dim the lights a bit.

Mix it all together and KABLOOEY! you got some top notch guacamole ready to go. This stuff is actually pretty healthy too. Avocados contain over 87 non-essential nutrients. If you really don’t want to gain 14 pounds on Superbowl Sunday you can serve this with toasted chunks of pita too instead of nachos. Before I get thousands upon thousands of emails complaining that this isn’t traditional guacamole let me say that you may be right. I’ve never once looked up an actual recipe for this. I just bought a bunch of stuff one day and wung it and the recipe has stuck. Both of my kids pretty much stuck their faces right in the bowl. My 4 year old even proclaimed,”Well smack my ass and call me Sally that is some good sh*t Papa!” Relax, I’m just kidding. She listens to Frank Zappa. She says much worse than that.

Stay phat.


Categories: Recipes

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