Surprise! You’re Hosting a Party

Smoked Salmon

I have rarely ever enjoyed New Year’s Eve. Every time there are elaborate plans something seems to go horribly wrong. From breaking up with a girlfriend 3 days before or having my friend’s car break down in -26 weather and almost getting frostbite waiting on a cab that never showed to take us to a party we never made it to I have had me some crappy times.

The good times seemed to happen when parties just happened spontaniously. Like when my roommates and I all made no plans(we all shared the same crappy times) one year and just told anyone that if they had no plans to come on over. Turns out about 30 awesome people had no plans and we had a blast. My girlfriend and I did something similar in our first house and both of our families showed up and we played pool all night.

This year my girlfriend would be working at the hospital again and no plans had materialized so I was set to get my kids to bed and then play myself a little holiday game I like to call Pin the Loneliness on the Depression. The rules are simple: eat a crap ton of food, drink your face off, weep and then go to bed before midnight. Hey, I didn’t say it was a fun game. Oh come on now, don’t get all sad for me here, I am writing an article about a party so things are bound to pick up!

3 days before the fateful day I get a text from a friend of mine asking if she and her husband can join my party. Well, sure I say but so far I am the only one going. Alright, turns out I am having a party. Time to get my sh*t together stat! It turns out no one in my family really had any plans anyway so everyone confirms they can make it. Well, except my uncle who, ever since my grandmother passed away many years ago, likes to stay home and watch his traditional New Year’s show and eat the same snacks he would have done with her only he’ll do it alone. Again. It’s sad really but I guess I can kind of understand since I tend to rarely like this night anyway and was planning on doing something similar too.

So I’m looking at 9 people so far that plan on being there late in the evening so dinner won’t be served but I still gotta put on some kind of spread. I’d also like to keep it simple so I can party with everyone too. For drinks I am all set. I have a stocked bar so I tell everyone to bring stuff to mix whatever drinks they like. I pick up some beer and I always have a mini-cellar of wine on stand by. So, no worries there. I figure we’ve all been hitting up gatherings for the last 10 days and have all been eating the same type of food everywhere we go so I am looking to shake things up a bit. Keep people on their toes you know? And as always, test their boundaries a little bit since my family are not always the most adventurous diners.

Smoked Salmon II

Everyone’s offered to bring some food too since they know I am trying to go easy on the cash for the next little while. So my parents are bringing some chips, some pigs in a blanket to pop in the oven and some beer and soda. I command my sisters to get some chips that the kids like, some dip, a few cheeses and some baguettes since any baguettes to be found in my town suck the bag. You may have noticed that I’ve been using “sucks the bag” in some of my posts lately. I am working on getting that saying to make a comeback. Hands down it is the best thing to come out of the 80s.

Sweet, I’m all set for the basics with food and drink now I just need to figure out what I am going to whip up. Everyone will have eaten earlier so I want to avoid making anything heavy. I also don’t want to make anything complicated since I will be alone with the kids( have I said this a million times yet?) during prep time and they’ve been on a consistent diet of sugar and presents for many days in a row. They’ve been a real pleasure to be around some days.

My plan of attack is to head to the grocery store on the 30th and see if I can get inspired by something. As soon as I walk in BAM! I see blueberries on sale and they look pretty nice. So apparently I am doing something with blueberries. As I stroll around the madness of the store I see some sexy Alaskan smoked salmon on sale so I am gonna make me some bite sized salmon thingies. I grab some fancy high class bagel style crackers, some cream cheese, capers and fresh dill. Finish this with a squeeze of lemon and we got something going here. This little number will take only a few minutes to assemble, is classy, elegant and sexy to look at. Just like me. Plus it’ll taste great too.

So now what the hell am I going to do with these blueberries? I head over to the butcher counter and see an abundance of ground bison meat. And then it hits me. The idea, not the meat. Bison sliders. WHAMO! I’ll dress them with a blueberry and white wine vinegar reduction sauce, some spring mix salad and finish them under the broiler with some brie cheese on top. Ya baby.

The day of the party I start prepping around 14h. I get my bison patties all made and they’re waiting in the fridge. I get my cooler ready for the drinks and lay out all the booze for the bar. The kids are doing this weird thing today where they actually listen to the things I say so things are going smoothly. I get a call from one of my sisters and they have managed to convince my uncle to come too! I’m quite happy about that cause he loves to see the kids and we all felt sad that he would be alone thinking about my grandmother. There’s nothing to stop him from thinking about her whilst he’s at my place. Oh, and once my girlfriend got to work they said she could go home since they were overstaffed! Sweet, we never spend this evening together!

Party time! Everything goes off without a hitch for the most part. A few people don’t like smoked salmon but I try not to judge them although I think they might be communists. I do the smart thing and serve the bison sliders before telling anyone what it is. My dad tried two, and by tries I mean slams them back enthusiastically so I figure now is a safe time to mention what he’s eating. His face changes and he puts the third one back on the plate and says “I thought they tasted weird” My sister pulls me aside and says “He’s full of sh*t. I just asked him before and he said they were great.” And lo and behold guess who eventually had two more? Good guess, my dad.

When all was said and done no one barfed(yay!), no one drove drunk, and my jinx of New Year’s seemed to be over. That is until I woke up the next morning to find a pipe leaking from the basement ceiling with no apparent source for the leak. Damn you New Year’s! So after scrambling around the house like a mad man and checking all the water sources I am resolved to suck it up and call a plumber the next day and pay the hefty price and pray that my walls don’t need to be torn apart. Then, the morning of the 2nd my girlfriend sees that whatever moron set up the cooler forgot to close the plug. The ice melted and leaked through the kitchen floor into the basement. If I ever find out which tool set that up I am gonna open up a can of…oh wait, wasn’t that me? Maybe I am the problem with New Year’s all along.

So if you find yourself hosting a last minute party the lesson here is:

Don’t be a moron.

Stay phat.

Bison sliders



Categories: Phood Philosophies

Tags: , , , , ,

2 replies

  1. It was great. The blueberry/white wine vinegar was a nice compliment to the brie, bison burgers.

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